It is time.
It is time to write again.
It is time to blog again.
It is time to live free.
It is time to adventure again.
It is time.
The past two years have been the hardest two years of my short life so far. On the flip side of that, they have also been two of the best years. For some reason, the saying that “out of hardship comes the greatest growth” is true of where I’ve been.
The hardest parts of the past two years have paved the way for great growth…but it is all inside. On the outside, I look and sound like the same person – but I am a softer version of myself. I have by no means arrived at any finishing points – but rather am in a place of rest for this present time period. It is enough of a breath to be able to pop my head above the waters, look back and reflect on how God has been with me through thick and thin.
Slowly, surely, God is working in me. Though my hands still desire to clench control, God is asking me to come instead with open hands. Though I have had a shadowed past, God is asking me to venture back through doors of hurt into a land of healing as He holds my hand.
The Day I got my License. Such a happy day!
Many situations over the last few years have felt like learning to fly. There were times when my mom (my instructor!) would put me under a hood – essentially a 12-18″ brim – that would constrict my view of everything but the instruments directly in front of me. She’d ask me to close my eyes, then she’d put the airplane in an odd position, say go, then using only the instruments, I would right the plane. Much of this journeying with God is like this. It is a trusting of the instruments He has placed in front of me – His Word, my hands, my talents. Every time something goes wonky and I feel off kilter and can’t see anything outside of my immediate view of the instrument panel, it is another opportunity to trust. Another opportunity to prove that He is who He says He is, He can do what He says He can do, and that I can do all things through Christ. Even when it feels like I am alone in the cockpit, the truth is that He is sitting right next to me.
In the past two years, I have made the intentional decision to dive deep into my story. It has been a hard, tear-filled journey. I can’t say that I am on the other side, and unfortunately, I don’t think I will ever be. But the good news is that every time I go down (because it feels like descending into a dark cave) into what I have experienced and who I have considered myself to be, I somehow come up better than when I went in.
I have been blessed with people who are willing to take the journey with me. I have a fantastic counselor who has been walking alongside me for the past year and a half – through intense hurt to a state of okay, to ambiguity and pain all over again. I am surrounded by a steady stream of support from my Aunt and her fantastic friends from Willow and Listen to My Life. I have been blessed with deep friendships, empathetic ears, and a heavy covering of prayer.
Part of the reason I haven’t blogged in a while is that I wasn’t in a place where I could be positive in writing. It was akin to being in the pit of despair in The Princess Bride…only I didn’t wind up being half-dead and in need of a Miracle Max cure.
I want to thank each and every reader who has prayed for me through this hard time, listened to my angst, and supported me. I am not out completely, but I sure am on my way.
In other news…I am officially the Technical Director for Student Impact at Willow Creek Community Church!! It has been a long time in coming, and I am so grateful. Two and a half years out of college, I finally have a full time job…at the place I have been wanting to work at for a long time. God is good.
Up next: running a cable camera for the Gaither concert at Willow, my first Christmas on production staff, Christmas with family, my first year in the TD chair for Blast (Willow’s high school winter camp), and who knows what other adventures will abound.
The view from my Sunday desk 🙂