In the past few months, I have made an observation that I want to infiltrate my life to the fullest. I has appeared in several forms over time, and has developed to a place where it is begging to be written about.
This past year has been a journey of choice – all about how I will choose to walk the journey ahead of me. I have had some tough situations presented to me that have pretty drastic “choose your own adventure” endings attached to them. The one through line of each situation is the choice presented to me about how I will react – will I hold on tight to control or will I relax into what feels like chaos.
Chaos. It is a terrible word.
It is associated with pain, discomfort, and a lack of control.
To me, that is absolutely terrifying.
Which is probably why this last season has been the way it has been.
There have been four experiences I have had that have stood out to me towards developing my thoughts towards chaos. Ready to go on an adventure?
Ok. So. Over the past year and a half, I have been seeing a counselor, who has walked beside me through so many different spurts of chaos. The key to walking into counseling and leaving different is being open. Being open to walking back through doors of pain, being open to opening up old wounds, being open to trying things that seem outside the box.
The biggest journey of openness has been the process of landing the job I am in. From the start of the year until now, a big learning has been to relax into weekends. In the past, my habit was to hold onto ideas and procedures with a firm grip. Unfortunately, this method doesn’t work well for personal health in an environment where things are constantly shifting. There isn’t really any solid ground. This is rather difficult for individuals like myself who love order, structure, and predictability. Guess what I have learned? In order to be the best I can be, I have to be open. Just because I haven’t done it that way before doesn’t mean it is wrong. It is just different.
When I received the news that I was given the permanent position for my job, I celebrated by getting a massage. Let’s be honest. Waiting for 9 months to hear if I get the job I have been doing is mega stressful. Mayhaps the most stressful thing I have ever been through. Thus, the massage. The wonderful thing about a massage is feeling relaxed…until the masseuse starts finding knots. Then it isn’t so wonderful anymore. Cue pain…a thumb repeatedly moving to and fro over a specific area of pain. Over and over and over again. The key to coming out alive and better than before is relaxing into the pain. Given, soreness definitely sets in the next day, but it is worth it.
Many times, forward progress doesn’t happen without some sort of pain that calls us to be different. To leave where we have been and dare to move into the unknown.
In Luke 1, Mary faces her own version of being open. She is approached by an angel, who has startling news that will change the path of Mary’s life more than she could ever imagine. Her response?
“Be it unto me just as you have said.”
Have I always said that? No.
Am I learning to say that? Absolutely.
It is hard.
I am not a fan of letting go of control. That means my plans don’t always happen. I love planning. I may get a little OCD at times with how I plan…I love Evernote, I love spreadsheets, I love organization. Sometimes a little too much.
Thus, why this season has been so hard, yet so good.
I am one step closer to being more me.
One step closer to walking out of where I’ve been, moving to where I am going.
There is a joy that comes along the path.
In my case, it is a joy that is helping me to become more of who I am.
It is a terribly wonderful path. As my friend Jen said, “God’s work is so gentle, it feels like love.”
Would you dare to venture out?